And To Wonder
by girlno4282
Summary: This story follows 'To Withdraw'. Post S4, The authorities found Freddie's body over 6 month ago, and Katie still can't get out of her funk. Emily and Naomi are together, but things aren't perfect. Katie, Emily/Naomi, and wait - is that Effy?


**Hello again. Thanks for all the lovely reviews, and story alerts for my latest story, To Withdraw. Feedback is something us writers are addicted to. It fuels our passion ;) So please keep 'em coming.**

**Anyway, ****this is the promised companion piece for, To Withdraw. Still very Katie-centric – cause I love my girl! I may or may not write another one to continue this as a series. We'll see. I have a ton of ideas bouncing around in my head, so if you want more – fricking say so and review this! Lol.**

**Disclaimer:** **This is Fan-fiction. Please look it up. If you're too lazy – it just means that I borrowed the characters off SKINS (a TV show I have no affiliation to, and have written my own story based on the show.)**

**This is dedicated to all those Generation 2 lovers – especially those that are a little disappointed with how Generation 3 is unfolding. Uh, yeah… enough said.**

**This is unbeta'd. You have been properly warned ;)**

* * *

><p>She remembers the day they found the body. The news of it had shaken the small city of Bristol. Society and the media always notice when someone young dies especially if it's tragically, and Freddie's death was tragic. It was unbelievable and surreal. Everyone in the gang reacted differently but all the same as they all realized the fragility of their own mortality.<p>

For the most part the majority of the group learned from it, except for Cook and Effy, who took it harder then the others and unfortunately went off the deep end. The two spent many nights and days missing from the group, as they went off going AWOL and self destructing until there was nothing left to do but to disappear. Cook was the first to go when only a month later after investigations, it was suspected that he had something to do with Dr. Foster's murder. With Cook gone Effy vanished as well, and so did her mother. There were rumors circulating that she went to go seek medical help in Cardiff, or she just went to go see _someone. _It isn't quite clear, especially since no one can remember the source of the information. It wasn't long before Thomas and Panda (who were back together) bid Bristol farewell as they went off to attend Harvard, living the American dream, and JJ had moved to London to go to a prestigious university. The only ones that remained in Bristol were the twins, and Naomi.

Emily and Naomi were actually only a month away from traveling to Goa when Freddie's body was discovered. After much fighting with their travel insurance agents, the girls were able to post-pone their trip for a couple months while they waited for the dust to settle. They eventually went to Goa, and have recently returned to England about a month ago. When they came back, Katie noticed a change. The girls were the same but different. She couldn't understand why, and with little knowledge of what happened in Goa besides pictures and blogging on the Internet, Katie decided to not butt her nose in their business just yet. It wasn't as if they didn't get along, because they did (mostly.) There was just a noticeably different tone to their relationship, and she wondered if it was a hint, or a premonition that something was going to happen to the girls later. She knew eventually that she would get involved somehow. Especially now that she lives with them.

After graduation and right before Freddie's death was confirmed, Katie moved in with her sister and her girlfriend into their tiny flat. She was done living with her mother who still remained to be a callous bigot over Emily's life choices, and she figured that it was about time she moved out anyway.

The three of them mostly got along. She did grow to like Naomi after all, but like in every similar situation – when you're living with a couple, you'll never win against them in _anything_. You were also always the third wheel and the odd one out. Katie didn't care though. That's how things were; that's how they continued to be, and Katie became just too apathetic about everything to give a shit.

About a week ago, Katie had went to a group interview for an internship at a fashion design institute where she lost the position to some better than her twat. She surprised herself when she didn't flip out and wreak havoc all over Bristol. During the ride home on the bus afterwards, with headphones in her ears as she gazed out the window looking at nothing in particular – Katie realized she just _didn't care anymore_.

Life since Freddie died has been different, and continues to be as she goes through the motions, still stuck in a funk that she can't seem to get out of. Like Freddie's death revealed to her the meaning of life. (At least to her.) That we are born to _live and die…_ And that was it. No one could escape this fate. Everyone was doomed to the same ending but never in the same way. Everyone was going to get his or her own individual finale – and since it was death there _will never be a happy ending_. The epiphany (even though it really wasn't one since everyone knows they are going to die after being told so by their parents, or someone alike in an early childhood memory) just felt too final, and yet unsettling at the same time. It frustrated her then, and continues to frustrate her now, leaving her most days feeling jaded. Some days when it became too much for her to analyze, Katie forces herself to stop thinking about it altogether – but that can only work for so long. She could only keep her brain focused on other things for an extended amount of time before she found her thoughts leading back to the topic again. Which was funny really because this was what life's all about, right? Distracting ourselves until it's over…

..

She glances at the clock, as she sits in the lunchroom alone. It is only ten passed seven in the evening and she is about two hours away from being done work. _This _is what her life consisted of these days. Waiting, and working. The door to the staff room opens as a coworker walks in. He doesn't bother sharing eye contact with her as he heads to his locker, rifles through the storage compartment very quickly before leaving Katie alone in the room again. He's some new boy that works as a cashier up front.

Yes, after failing to get the job of her dreams, Katie Fucking Fitch landed herself a glorious new clerking job at a local organic and natural whole foods store. Very glamorous. Very exciting.

The door bursts open as her boss, Frank, a large man with a hideous comb-over checks in with her. He's nice, but a bit annoying, "You still on break?"

"Yeah I've got about five minutes left."

He nods with a gentle smile and leaves.

Katie sighs, as she checks her nails and continues to wait. Her once beautifully manicured nails were now chipped, and cracked. About a year ago, she would've died if she was caught with such hideous nails, but nowadays it just didn't seem to be important anymore. Her break ends, and with forced enthusiasm she heads back to finish the last run of her shift.

The one good thing about working at the store is that since she works with a bunch of hippies, everyone is pretty mellow to say the least. There was always plenty of room to slack off. In fact everyone does; from the staff to even some of the management. Work still somehow gets done, but it's like no one's really serious or hardcore about working. There is just such a relaxed vibe throughout the company and it's certainly something that Katie digs. The less stress in her life the better considering there seems to be nothing for her to look forward to these days.

She grabs a stepladder and puts it in the bottom shelf of a cart. She then places a carton of gourmet soy sauces on the top shelf and heads to the floor. When she gets to her destination aisle, an old lady stands in the way.

With a deep breath, Katie puts her _customer service face_ on before politely asking the lady if she would like some help looking for product. The old woman turns around and sneers at Katie before walking away. The downside to working at the hippie store was that with the hippies came the weirdos that shopped there.

She rolls her eyes, as she grabs the stepladder off her cart. She climbs up, bringing the basket of the dark liquid sauces with her. As she begins to stock the shelf, she hears a fizzing sound. Suddenly soy sauce is spraying everywhere, as Katie looks down at her basket in time to watch a bottle explode!

A married couple stands about four feet away as Katie yelps in surprise, "Jesus Christ!" The smell of tamari fills her nostrils, as Katie sets the basket back down on the cart. Her thigh is soaked, leaving her feeling very icky. (If it weren't for the uniform apron, she might've lost it had her top had been ruined by the sticky situation.) She looks up to see the couple stare at her briefly before pushing away to another aisle.

Great, what a lovely way to finish off the evening. Really.

..

It's dark out as Katie walks home from work. She normally wouldn't be caught dead walking home this late at night, because she may be tempting sexual predators to come and jump her but she didn't really feel like taking the bus when she still reeked of soy sauce. (She's pretty sure her smell is repelling all her sexual predators right now, anyway.)

It isn't far of a walk Katie realizes, when she sees that the house is only a few blocks away. It's a very tiny old house that's kind of falling apart in a vintage sort of way. They lived in this tiny bungalow, with two bedrooms, a full bath, kitchen and living room (where Katie often sleeps since her room is pretty much a closet.) As she gets close she makes out a figure sitting on the darkly lit front steps. She sees that it's Naomi who's decided to smoke a spliff. She joins the blonde, sitting next to her. Naomi offers her a drag. Katie purses her lips, as she considers it for a moment, before waving her hand to say no.

Shrugging, Naomi asks her, "How was work?"

"Meh. You?"

Naomi smiles, as she says that it was the same for her. Though the blonde enjoyed working at the campus library it was still a job and it can be pretty dull. She pauses, as she makes a face, "Is that you I'm smelling?"

The shorter girl tugs on her pea coat, as if tightening it around body would help suppress the smell better as she snorts: "Yeah. A fucking bottle of soy sauce sprayed all over me today."

The taller girl laughs, and asks Katie to recount her sorry tale. When Naomi gets confused over how a bottle simply exploded, Katie tries to explain to the half stoned blonde how there was some sort of compression from the fermentation that sometimes causes things like tamari to explode from the pressure. She's not sure if the blonde actually gets it, but is happy when the older girl accepts her theory (her boss's theory, actually) as they giggle over the incident. When their laughter fades out, they sit in silence as Naomi continues to smoke the remainder of her weed.

It sometimes surprised the twin at how she and Naomi have come such a long way. There was a time when they both despised each other. Then time passed, things changed, and the girls found themselves tolerating each other for Emily's sake. Now, here they are as proper mates. Friends that sit together in comfortable silence – and_ it really is comfortable,_ Katie thinks.

"This must be the weakest shit I've ever had." Naomi drones, staring down at the offending joint.

"Maybe you should consider quitting?"

"Yeah I think I will. It's pretty repulsive." The taller girl drops the joint, and crushes it with the heel of her shoe.

"I mean in general. Maybe slow it down or something."

Naomi stares at her as if she's grown a second head. It's not like Katie has suddenly found Jesus and has turned her back on drugs and drinking, that she's suggesting Naomi to do the same. She used to enjoy getting high, or wasted out of her mind, but now she just didn't see the point of it anymore – and it stopped being appealing. She's about to explain herself when the sound of a car driving catches both their attention. The girls straighten up as they soon watch a police car drive by in haste. Katie turns to observe the blonde and watches her reach up to wipe at her mouth with the back of her hand. The twin gives her a knowing look to which Naomi smirks back sarcastically. She squints at Katie, as if a sudden thought pops into her mind before pursing her lips, "Something up?"

Katie's brow furrows, "No. Why? Have I given you a reason to think that?"

She watches the blonde consider a reply before dropping it completely. Instead, she runs her hand through her blonde locks and suggests that they both should head inside for a light snack.

..

About twenty minutes later the girls sit in the tiny living room, squished together on the loveseat flipping from one late night channel to another. Naomi actually isn't even really watching as she has her nose buried in a textbook.

The front door swings open as Emily enters, having come back from work. Katie watches her sister slip out of her coat, and toss her bag aside, immediately bee lining for Naomi. The redhead (who really needs to give her locks a good dye job again, since the red has completely faded) kisses her girlfriend lightly on the forehead. Naomi looks up and greets her with a slow peck on the lips before Emily heads to the kitchen.

From the kitchen, Emily yells asking the girls if they want anything.

Katie replies for the both of them, "No thanks we just ate."

Her sister frowns but the moment washes over completely as she directs her focus back to making toast, "So I ran into a girl at the spa tonight." (Unlike Katie who works with a bunch of hippies, Emily managed to get a job as a receptionist at a highly recognized beauty parlor – and of course Katie was not one to hold back her jealousy. So, being the dear that she is Emily tried to get her a job there, but management insisted that it was in their policy to _not_ hire family members.) Naomi nods, saying a quick 'Mmhmm.'

Katie watches like a fly on the wall, pretending to be paying attention to the telly, when in fact she's listening carefully to their conversation. She can feel Emily trying to push Naomi into talking further about this girl, but the blonde continues to act oblivious – which Katie honestly believes is legit. She knows Naomi enough these days to be able to tell if the blonde was putting up an act or hiding something, and right now she is being real.

Emily clears her throat loudly before saying timidly, "She said her name was Sarah. Do you know her?" Being passive-aggressive was extremely common for the younger twin these days.

When Naomi doesn't respond right away, Katie nudges her. She looks up and stares at the older twin, who gestures to the kitchen. Naomi lets out a heavy breath before answering, "To be honest Ems I don't remember ever meeting a girl named Sarah. I don't know maybe I ran into her at school and just forgot all about it. Uni is huge and I always meet new people all the time but that doesn't mean I remember every single one of them."

It's obvious that Emily isn't satisfied with Naomi's explanation as she just stares blankly at Naomi. Her toast pops up interrupting the silence, but Emily doesn't move.

Katie clears her throat, and points it out, "Um Ems, your toast is ready."

Emily wakes out of her trance, and the subject is dropped. She butters her toast and finishes her snack in the kitchen.

She hates to think that this tension is about trust. _Did something awful really happen in Goa – _Katie sighs not wanting to finish her train of thought, because really they _just got over the Sophia thing_. She hears footsteps and sees her sister walk over to Naomi, to lean down and whisper in her ear.

Naomi stops reading as she listens. She takes a moment to ponder, looking over at Katie once, before whispering something back into Emily's ear. They share a look before they head to their bedroom.

The door shuts gently behind them and moments later she hears them talking quietly from the bedroom. She exhales deeply, realizing that she'd been holding her breath. Well at least their voices aren't being raised, so that might be a good thing, she thinks. She decides then it's time to talk to Emily, once they're alone together, and finally ask her what the fuck is up.

Unexpectedly, quiet music begins to play from their room – Katie rolls her eyes for _she knows what that means_. She falls back onto the couch, grossed out over the fact that she knows that they're having sex right now. Probably some form of make up sex cause the music is sappy and lame.

Her ears unfortunately perk up as she hears a soft feminine whimper loud enough for her to yell out in panic, "Turn it up you bitches. I can hear you!"

The sound of their laughter pisses her off, before the girls comply and the music is turned up. She grabs for the remote and turns up the telly, flipping through channels and hoping to find some program on that has a loud soundtrack or something. It works, thankfully (she hopes to god that the neighbors aren't being kept up – the combined noise of the TV and stereo is pretty loud.)

Maybe there was nothing going on, Katie thinks. Not that she was an expert, because she clearly wasn't, but she figures that relationships aren't perfect, so maybe she was misreading the girls after all. Honestly, would they really be shagging right now, sounding all loved up and happy after a serious fight or talk? Or maybe she was just making excuses for them because she was too hopeful that things were just fine.

All this relationship and sex thoughts begin to annoy Katie, causing her to think of the lack of both in her life. The plus sides to being single and having no sex are: 1) there was no drama, and 2) random sex with strangers was all right but it could never beat relationship sex. Fucking someone you're with was always better because you already knew each other's bodies, how they work and what buttons to press. Random sex could be exciting but it was usually sloppy (which can be a little hot, _she admits)_, but Katie almost always found that she could never get off. She groans as the thought of her being on this dry spell for months is depressing her. She's also left thinking about how _they're still doing it in there_, and fuck does it make her resent them a bit. She closes her eyes, and tries to think of unsexy thoughts hoping it will help, but usually Naomi is the first thing that comes to mind when she thinks of the word unsexy, and right now thinking of the blonde forces her to unfortunately visualize the lovely twat banging her sister. She shudders, opening her eyes immediately as she realizes nothing is going to work right now unless she _gets out_.

She gets up and heads to her room where she changes into a pair of new jeans. She heads back out into the living room and turns the TV off. On her way out, she nicks a lighter and a fag from a pack Naomi left on the coffee table.

With a lit fag dangling between her lips, she walks for quite some time with no real direction or destination. Again, typically she wouldn't be this risqué walking alone this late at night, but like everything else these days she doesn't care. Besides, she thinks as she looks down at her wardrobe, it's not like she is wearing anything to bait predators. She is only wearing a fresh new pair of non-soy sauce jeans, and a mustard plaid button up over a white vest top (which she admits is a bit gay, but all the hippies at the store pretty much dressed this way.) Her outfit nevertheless does have a hint of her Katie flare as she is still accessorized with large loopy earrings, rows of platinum bangles along her wrists, and of course her beloved 3" stilettos. She still felt like Katie, but maybe a little bit conservative and relaxed. Maybe this is what Emily feels like – comfortable and unwounded – Katie thinks, snorting when she figures that she's dressed more like her twin these days.

She continues walking until she realizes that she's slowly approaching the pier where she and Effy reconciled. Her ears perk up as she hears some loud music being played really loudly. She walks closer and realizes that there's an outdoor event that is taking place at the wharf. As she gets nearer she sees throngs of people and then remembers that last week Emily had mentioned something about some sort of music affair was taking place tonight at the dock. She also remembered the word _free_ being mentioned, which explains why there's tons of dodgy looking people everywhere amongst the flashy lights and the smell of weed.

She hasn't been to a party in ages let alone been out of the house much. Katie can't remember the last time she got intoxicated or high. Has it been a month? Or months even? She debates for a moment on leaving but then her intuition tells her to stay. Besides what was she going to do anyway if she left? Go back home? The other two were probably still fucking.

A female voice calls out to her, interrupting her thoughts.

"Hey Emily is that you?"

_Really – Emily? _She reaches up instinctively touching her obviously dark burgundy hair, as she turns around to face the girl the voice belonged too.

For starters, the girl had a full head of bright pink hair, and a lip ring. She's also obviously on something as her bloodshot brown eyes bore into hers. The girl looks at her quizzically probably debating whether or not she really is _Emily_, with dyed hair or something, Katie thinks. (Since graduation, both twins often forgot to tell people that they meet individually that they have an identical twin. It was just something that never came up sometimes or they didn't bother bringing up – unless it really needed to be said.)

"Oh," the girl says less baffled, as if a light bulb had gone off in her head. Katie realizes the girl didn't properly introduce herself. It makes sense because the girl obviously thinks Katie knows her, as Emily. "You dyed your hair. It looks good. I didn't think I'd see you here."

"Yeah," Katie says, surprising herself when she decides to go along with the girl. This could be amusing, Katie thinks. All she had to do was limit the amount of words that she says in order to hide the lisps and she could easily fool this girl. She decides to name the drunk girl, _Pinkie_ and wishes she could give herself a pat on her back because judging by the way the girl presented herself – _Pinkie_ definitely suites her.

"Well come on then, let's go."

She puts a grin on her face, tosses the fag aside and follows the girl over to the dock.

There must have been close to over a thousand people here, maybe even more she thinks, as she lays her eyes on the swarms of people in the crowd. They surround a stage that is right smack in the middle of the port, and close to the water. It's a weird mix, Katie thinks as she examines the many different types of folks dressed in all sorts of fashion, and from different age groups. She's sure that some of them are most likely underage, but judging by the minimal amount of security it appears that anyone could just join the party. It's definitely an alternative crowd (surely Emily's kind of people, and sort of like the hippies from work.) It's different she thinks, and decides to explore _her sister's world._

It doesn't take long for her to realize that she could really pull off pretending to be Emily if she wanted to. Clearly no one else here seems to know her besides Pinkie, who apparently isn't even close friends with her sister anyway, judging by the minimal amount of conversation they've had so far. It's kind of nice, to not know anyone. Like there's no pressure at all to be anything, and instead she could _just be._ So she was pretending to be her _gay twin sister_ – who fucking cares? It clearly wasn't going to affect anyone tonight, because no one here seems to really know her twin anyhow.

Out of the corner of her eye she thinks she sees a flash of familiar long brown hair, and intense blues eyes. Her throat goes dry as she quickly turns to see if it's really _her, _but when she looks over the girl in question slips away deeper into the crowd.

Suddenly a body collides into her. She falls over but then feels a pair of soft, _tiny feminine_ _hands_ grasps at her shirt tightly, pulling her back up. Finding her balance she stands back up, inadvertently sliding into her captor's arms. She hears a male voice next to them burst out in laughter. Katie turns her head to get a good look at the pillocks that rudely rammed into her, when she finds herself staring at a petite raven-haired girl with electric green eyes. She's surprised that such a tiny feminine being was able to catch her from falling. The girl stares back, their eyes locking as Katie realizes _she knows this girl_.

Fuck. It's the girl she lost the internship to a week ago. She remembers seeing her during the group interview, instantly despising her because of how good-looking she was. She's a touch shorter than Katie, and a bit thinner – but only in the sense that she was less voluptuous (because Katie is NOT fat). The tiny girl reminded her of a little doll – and she certainly was adorable. Unless this girl was a total tool, if she was just as good as Katie was as far as skills set – she was going to be tough competition. Inevitably, Katie was right.

When they break eye contact, it's apparent that the other girl might recognize Katie as well. The wanker she's with (her boyfriend maybe?) apologizes quite obnoxiously for almost crushing Katie, as the girl remains silent. The twin nods accepting the apology, barely saying a word as she tries not to look at the pair of curious green eyes. She pushes backwards slipping away from the couple.

Squeezing through the crowd of people, she feels a tingle down below – fuck, she needs to pee. She eventually squishes through the mass of people and finds a row of portable toilets. Unfortunately there's a queue of people, and Katie's feeling extremely impatient. She considers calling it a night, when Pinkie suddenly appears again. _What the fuck, did Pinkie somehow put some sort of tracking device on her?_ Katie notices that Pinkie isn't alone; standing next to her is a ditzy looking alternative girl with a blonde bob, and flat tits. She reminds her of Naomi, and Katie almost laughs.

"Oh look here you are. You disappeared." Katie doesn't respond as the girl looks over at her friend, "Hey so this is Emily the girl I was telling you about earlier."

The girl reaches out to shake Katie's hand, to which Katie politely accepts the gesture.

"You're gay, right?"

She nods, annoyed at the idea of where this conversation may be heading. She's also irritated with the fact that A) she still has to pee, B) she doesn't want to wait in line, and C) these girls are holding her up preventing her from relieving herself of her agony.

"I've been thinking about trying girls out too," the blonde says, eyeing Katie up and down. Having never been checked out this blatantly by a girl before, it takes Katie a second for her to realize that Pinkie's friend is_ eyeing her up_. She almost laughs in the girls' face but remembers to keep the guise going, as she ignores the blonde. It dawns on Katie that she still doesn't even know Pinkie's friend's name. They're probably too obliterated to even notice too. It kills Katie that she used to be this ridiculous back in the day. Thank god she's grown out of it.

"My boyfriend says he'd be down for a threesome," the girl says batting her eyes at the twin. Ugh, gross. She wonders how many times Emily, and Naomi heard that line before. She decides to take this girl down by a peg, and says straightly (ha), "I have a girlfriend you know."

"Oh I didn't know that," Pinkie says.

Katie is a little surprised that the pink haired moron doesn't know, but then again maybe Emily isn't close enough with this girl to bring it up. Or if she is, why didn't she bring it up? What the hell is going on with Emily these days, Katie ponders. They have to be hiding something, whether it happened in Goa or not. With the slice of tension she saw earlier at the house between the girls, there's just no doubt about it that there's something not being said between them when Katie's around. She is going to get to the bottom of it.

There's a pause, before Pinkie speaks up again, "Well let's go back and dance."

The burgundy haired twin immediately tells the girls that she can't, because she really has to use the loo. They're instantly disappointed, but then the blonde (who Katie decides to name Ditzy) suggests for her to cut in line.

"There's no fucking way I'm doing that."

"Why? Who cares?"

Katie sighs. She stares at the queue of people lined up against the portable toilets and contemplates the idea of budging in line. She doesn't want to start a commotion but she _really _has to fucking pee right now. With no other choice other than to be patient and wait in line, she exhales slowly and decides: _fuck it._ She slowly marches over with the girls trailing behind her. With her heels clicking loudly she watches, as a group of bored posh twats look up from the sound, and after a beat stare daggers at her. Katie's sure that they have a pretty good idea of what she's up to. She watches them mouth the words, 'Don't you fucking think about it bitch,' as she moves closer and closer. She stops about a few feet away from the daft prats, and waits, refusing to let these stupid tits intimidate her as she stares them down. Suddenly the door to one of the toilet opens, and with all the courage in the world Katie makes a dash for it.

It's a mess of arms, and a lot of slapping but she manages to slip passed the girls into the toilet, locking the door behind her. The smell of urine and other human excrement should disgust her, but the thrill of the moment has her heart beating fast, as she laughs hard and triumphantly. Pulling her pants down, she sits down and is relieved to be peeing. There's angry banging on the door, and lots of cussing and bitching but Katie doesn't let it bother her. She got passed them and got what she wanted anyway, and really - what are they going to do to her after she's done? She suddenly hears more voices outside. One of the new voices sounds like Pinkie, and it appears that she's defending her and telling the bitches to fuck off. She finishes peeing, but then almost chokes when she realizes there's no toilet paper. She's either going to have to pull her pants up and _deal with it_, or drip dry. The portable toilet starts moving, as she hears the girls threaten to push it over. Fucking great, Katie thinks as it looks like she'll have to suck it up and ex nay on the _dripping and drying_. She takes one deep breath, before she yells out to Pinkie to clear the way because she's coming out. Pinkie shouts back saying that she'll make sure that the door's clear, as Katie begins to hear some scuffling from outside the portable toilet.

She stands up and waits a beat. After a couple deep breaths, she slowly unlocks the door. Suddenly it's quiet, except for the wobbling of the deep bass from the dubstep being played by the DJ. A second later Katie flings the door open with a loud BOOM and makes a run for it. She shoves pass the crowd of angry twats as she makes it to the dance floor. It was so much easier than she anticipated, as Pinkie and Ditzy keep the girls at bay. The bitches eventually shove pass the girls, making their way over to Katie, but are stopped by security who end up holding the girls back. They're kicking and screaming, and it's bloody hilarious! Soon, Pinkie and Ditzy join her on the dance floor as they dance to the beat of some wicked song being spun at the moment.

Adrenaline rushes through her veins, as Katie feels alive for the very first time in ages. The night is turning out to be way more than she anticipated, and she's actually _quite_ _happy_.

She dances with the girls to the beat of the heavy bass vibrating through the crowd. Masses of people surround them, as they all move together, in sync and thriving together like one big massive dance orgy. Suddenly Pinkie and Ditzy are grinding, attracting a bit of crowd. Katie rolls her eyes, as their dirty dancing kills it for her. She slides away from the girls, thinking she may have had enough for the night. Maybe it was about time she headed home anyway. She suddenly sees a pair of striking blue eyes. It's Effy. She's staring straight at Katie from a distance, with a slight smirk on her face. She was right. She did see the brunette from earlier – what was she doing here? She slips away unnoticed by the drunken twats as she goes over to find out.

As she approaches, the hairs on the back of her neck stiffen as she can feel that something's not right. Katie chooses to ignore the forewarning as she smiles hesitantly, standing a foot away from the taller girl, speaking very loudly over the blaring music: "Hey, I thought I saw you earlier. What are you doing here I haven't seen you in months?"

"Yeah," Effy starts, "I've been back for a few days."

"I see."

"Looks like you've been making some interesting friends since I've been gone. Are you exploring the dyke side? Seeing what it's like to be Emily?"

If it was meant to be a joke, Effy fails at getting it through for her delivery was more like a subtle jab than a simple teasing from an old friend. She tries not to glare at the brunette but her smile drops anyway, "Ha ha very funny." She really isn't sure where all this subtle hostility came from but she wasn't going to bite back just yet. "Sorry to disappoint but no. I don't actually know them. They think I'm Emily."

"I'm surprised you didn't tell them otherwise."

Katie opens her mouth, but is stuck at what to say. She's puzzled by Effy's sudden cold behavior, and is not sure where it's coming from. It is the first time she's seen the girl in half a year, and who knows what she gone through that has her acting very unkind. It's ignorant, but she finds herself contemplating if Effy's attitude may be part of her mental problems. Like its still taking Effy some time to adjust back to normal. She's suddenly struck with guilt, as she feels terrible that she wasn't there for Effy immediately after Freddie's death and when it was later confirmed as murder. She couldn't imagine what it had been like for Effy: first you're living in your own personal hell, trying to adjust to a mental illness, and then suddenly your boyfriend is murdered and taken from you. It was something at this point Katie could never relate to, however it wasn't entirely her fault, or anyone else's, for that matter, because Effy was the one to leave, right?

The brunette gives Katie one final look, before abruptly turning around to leave.

What the fuck?

"Hey wait, a sec. Do you want just talk for a bit, I haven't seen you in a long time."

Effy turns around, with an annoyed expression etched across her face, "What's there to talk about?"

"Things are different," Katie starts tentatively, "Aren't they? Like it doesn't mean so much anymore because, it all kind of ends the same." It's not like she's morbidly thinking about death. No, that's not it at all. In fact, its like Katie doesn't mind it – which is not any indication that she wants to _off herself_. Honestly. It's more like, yeah, she gets it now. This is life, and she's not afraid anymore. "We grow up living these dreams, or cry when we fuck them all up but at the end of the day we all go out the same way we came-"

"Shut up Katie."

Taken back by Effy's sudden retort, Katie stares at the brunette, dumbfounded.

She goes to ask her what's up, but Effy cuts right in again, "The point is not to waste time just dwelling over the fact that it's all for nothing. Seriously if that's all you got from Freddie's death, then I'm embarrassed that we're still friends."

The statement burns her. She expected Effy of all people to understand where she's coming from. It was the first time she actually felt it was right to open up about this damn matter that had been eating away at her since Freddie died. For Effy to just shut her down and reject her – it _stings_.

"That hurts."

If her blue eyes could get any colder, they did. "Tough. That's life."

Effy clears her throat as she takes a step forward her voice loud enough for the shorter girl to hear over the music, "Let me give you something to think about while you worry about death... When you're dying on your deathbed, what's the last thing that'll be on your mind? That this was all for nothing? That you waited this long, and you're finally done? No. The last thing that's on your mind is what you've _done until this moment_. And how much you love your friends and family. That's what all this is about, even if it really doesn't matter and we die anyway. Life is about living, and learning. It's about relationships, and people. It's about appreciating the chance to _be_ and enjoying what this existence has to give us. At least that's what I've learned. So if you want to go on brooding over how it's all pointless, and what's the point – be my guest, but I'm not going to be there to hold your hand while you do it."

Katie stands there letting Effy's words sink in. A dark haired boy comes by, asking Effy what's going on. It takes a moment for Katie to recognize him – it's Tony, Effy's older brother. He touches her shoulder, as Effy says _it's nothing _looking directly at Katie. Her eyes slam shut as she turns away, gutted as she stalks off away from the duo. She only makes it a few feet before she realizes she's walking towards someone she really doesn't need to see right now – the raven-haired girl. She tries to escape but then the girl calls out _her name_.

"Katie, right?"

The twin freezes in her spot – of course she knows her name! _This night just couldn't get any better, _she thinks turning around to give the girl a nod. This girl has about five seconds to say something because Katie's moments away from losing it and strangling the first person she sees – and boy is her patience running on empty.

"I knew I remembered your name. How are you?" Her smile is sweet and genuine, friendly enough that Katie's annoyance gets reluctantly taken down by a notch.

"I'm fine," she says slowly, and carefully.

"Not sure if you remember me, but we met last week, at that group interview. I wanted to say sorry for beating you to the job. You seemed pretty nice, and just as deserving," she laughs a bit nervously.

The girl's shyness was refreshing, and disarming; once again she unwillingly finds herself calming down. She shrugs, saying point blankly, "That's life." She stares at the girl. Fuck. "I'm sorry but I totally forgot your name."

The girl laughs. "It's Anna. Do you want to dance?"

The question came out of nowhere as Katie gawks at the girl with a deer in headlights look. Anna catches her look and adds nervously, "My mate has gone to the loo, so I'm kind of dancing by myself. Most of the time I don't give a fuck about dancing alone, but I figured here you are, and hey, you're someone I know? So, why not?"

_Oh-kay… _Katie thinks, nodding, "Sure, why not."

They start to dance.

It's fun, and Katie is strangely relaxed in Anna's presence. She smiles as she wonders if she's found a new friend? The music gets louder, and the crowd gets busier. Katie's cheeks suddenly feel hot as she's pressing up against the tiny girl unintentionally. It's weird dancing with someone shorter then her, she thinks.

The music gets dirty, full of messy techno drumming, and heavy bass lines. As she turns around for the sake of changing positions she gets shoved forward and finds herself crashing into Anna.

She apologizes immediately, backing up as Anna giggles. Suddenly the smaller girl places her hands on Katie's hips.

_Hello_ – what's this?

Katie glances down and stares for a minute at the tiny hands resting on her waist. She's never really danced this close to a girl before – it's completely unknown territory. She stops dancing to see Anna smiling up at her mischievously.

She wonders what the tinier girl is up to, but it doesn't take long before Anna let's her intentions be known.

Oh, shit.

She's frozen in place as she lets Anna kiss her. It's soft, and wet, and she tastes a bit like cherry lip-gloss with a mix of lager. It isn't awful, like she always anticipated kissing a girl would be, which is why she gives in, moving her lips, as she kisses her back. It's the first time that she's ever kissed a girl, really – excluding Emily when they were five – and she wouldn't dare count her mother. It doesn't last very long as they break apart in time to hear a roar from the crowd of boys that had apparently gathered around to watch. Katie flips them off as she steps back, feeling a bit spaced out, and out of breath as she looks down at Anna. The raven-haired maiden's normally pale white cheeks are flushed red. _She's beautiful_ Katie thinks, as Anna looks at her expectantly for a reaction.

Katie clears her throat, "Well, that was very _gay._"

Anna's face drops, and Katie almost feels guilty for her remark. "I don't – are you not gay then?"

Katie chuckles a bit before responding quietly, "No. I'm not."

"That's funny, I thought you were."

Katie steps back another step. She looks around and sees Effy and Tony still in the same spot from earlier with matching smirks on their faces. Effy in particular lifts an eyebrow at her. They obviously saw the whole thing. _Brilliant._

She sighs, turning back to the tiny girl, "Look, you're sweet. I gotta go though. I'll see you around?"

Anna looks disappointed, as she crosses her arms, hugging herself as she forces a smile, "Yeah, sure."

Katie gives her one last smile. She then turns around heading out of the dock, walking right by Effy and Tony.

"I've always wondered how similar you and your sister were," Effy says behind her.

Katie pauses a moment, pursing her lips as she turns around with one arm across her torso, her hand gripping her other elbow. "My number's still the same." She waits, and after no response goes to turn away, when Effy says very slowly behind her, "I'm still, really messed up Katie."

She pivots around and their eyes lock. For a few seconds, Effy's eyes soften as if Katie's finally broke through her barrier, but as quickly as the moment appears, it evaporates into nothing, as the light in her eyes vanish. Tony observes the girls, but doesn't say a thing as he slips his arm around Effy's shoulders.

Katie doesn't wait for a reply, and leaves.

..

The walk home is brutal but she makes it.

When she opens the door, she surprised to see Emily all curled up in the living room, still awake. There's a look on her face.

She kicks off her heels, and it feels amazing to be walking flat on her feet again. She drops her keys off on the coffee table before sliding next to Emily on the couch who scoots over and sits up to make a bit of room.

She clears her throat, before asking quietly, "Did you have another row again?"

Her sister shrugs, as she brings her legs up, hugging her knees.

"Ems. Do you wanna talk?"

Nothing. She sighs, "You can talk to me about anything you know."

"There's nothing to talk about Katie," Emily says quietly.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." She sees it on her face – that Emily's begging her to _leave it._

She reaches up to flatten a few strands of hair poking out from the younger twin's head. "You really need to dye your hair again. It looks like shit."

She watches a smile cracks on Emily's face, but her response is slightly solemn and a touch bitter, "Maybe I want a _change_."

Of course Emily's statement was beyond loaded, but Katie decides to let it pass. With a grunt, she pushes off the couch, gives her sister a quick kiss on the cheek before she heads to the loo.

Closing the door behind her she twists open the faucet. The water feels cool to the touch. Cupping the flowing water with both hands, she splashes her face, feeling refreshed and rejuvenated from the wetness as she washes her face clean of makeup. After, she opens a cabinet and reaches for her toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste, and begins to brush her teeth. When she's finished she puts the toothbrush and the toothpaste away. As she closes the cabinet shut, her eyes look at her reflection in the mirror, and with the makeup all washed away she thinks how ridiculous it is that she looks like Emily right now. She reaches for a hair tie from the counter, and ties her hair up in a ponytail. With her hair no longer in her face, she stares, and compares all the differences she knows are there; like how her cheeks are rounder than Emily's or how Emily's lips aren't as full as Katie's.

Her thoughts then lead to her comparing how different they were as far as personalities, and boy were there differences.

Like how much louder she is compared to her quiet and reserved sister. Or how outspoken and confident she portrays herself as being, when deep down inside she hates being seen as weak. In truth, it's only because she's not as brave as Emily, in fact she's more insecure. When it comes to love, Katie is not as full on like her sister is, she deems as an sudden image of Emily still on the couch mulling over her imperfect relationship flashes in her mind. While Emily gives out her heart and soul, Katie always withholds a small piece of herself, in fear that her heart would shatter into a million pieces should it all go down wrong. Which is why when the _Sophia thing_ surfaced, temporarily destroying Naomi and Emily – it utterly ripped a big gaping hole in Emily's heart. In that sense, Katie believes she is smarter than her sister – wiser even. Yet, what is it worth if _you're clever, but alone_? If Katie is truly honest with herself, being safe, and cautious only makes her more _foolish_ _than Emily. _

She suddenly bursts out in a quiet laugh as she randomly remembers that she just kissed a girl tonight. Then, she remembers Effy's comment after the kiss, insinuating that Katie could be like Emily – and might be just _a little bit_ _gay_.

She shakes her head, as she decides to push _that thought to the very far back of her mind… _She twists the faucet open again, as she takes another gulp of water.

Effy.

She feels a sharp pinching in her chest as she remembers Effy's harsh words from earlier tonight. Thing was – Effy was right. She had been wasting her time, brooding over Freddie's death. Instead of moping over how everyone dies in the end, Katie should've been _living_. She should've taken life by the horns, and take it for a wild ride while appreciating the things that _being here _has to offer.

After a slow exhale, she awakes from her silent reflection and notices the water is still running. Closing the tap shut she glances up at the image of herself with one last look, a small smirk spreading across her face before she turns away, closing the door behind her.

end.


End file.
